~Finally~

Well is been awhile since i blog on a computer. the past few blog i been typing on my sidekick...it was so hard haha. any who..

lately i been working only for two days the rest of the week i been either stay home or go out a lot.
going out is fun but after driving to places and end up going to the gas station made me think that i should stay home a bit more. is not that i dont want to go out but every time i look at the gas meter i get mad cuz the meter hand point near empty so fast after i refill it like a day ago. most of my money end up going for the gas and end up not having enough money to use on myself. i want to quit my job cuz im not making much money if i have to drive to work but only work for 3 and a half hour. it dont even cover much of the gas and is late shift also. maybe i should quit when school starts.

Well today is mooncake day =P. woke up around 12 from alan text message so i text him back half asleep laying on my warm messy bed. after i got out of my bed i decided to take a long hot shower to wake myself up. i was still thinking rather or not if i wanted to go out today, the sun is out and it looked like a beautiful day. my step mom called me after i got out the shower telling me to clean the house cuz we gonna have guess over and having a bbq for mooncake day. this tells me i have to get home early to get so i said to myself if i go out then i dont have to clean a lot. so i called alan and when out to the picnic thing. When d0wn the hill and pick up nancy. while driving alan was playing sum emo song...made me thing for a bit haha. when we got to the park there was no parking and i had to u turn twice to find sum where to park. we meet up with the others and i just stand and sat for a bit. then later played football and that tired me out for a bit. hang out for a bit longer before we left the park. driving home I felt like i had sumthing to say to sumone but i was a bit grumpy so i stay quiet. dropped off anh and when to dollar tree and then drove nancy home. by the time i got home it was about 7:30. invited alan to the bbq at my house ate then drove him home. i never get to bring guess over cuz my step mom would trip about it so i alway ask my dad. my dad is cool about it but my step mom alway got sumthing to say.

well Happy moon cake thingy day or what ever you called it.....

~Early~

Waking up early again seem harder then I thought. I had to snooze for about 4 times before I even get out of bed. Well yesterday seeing my cousin so depress remained myself how I was feeling earlier this summer. So yesterday my brother called me to go hangout with my cousin but at first I was not in the mood because I was mad and confuse about my financial aid in school. When I meet up with my cousin she looked so sad just sitting in her room. She worried me so I quickly took her out shopping. We then end up going to mall and I brought alan with me knowing he can cheer her up cuz is alan. I see her laugh a bit but she when back to her sad mood.

After the mall I plan to take her to the movies but she didn't want to watch anything when we got there. So we sat in the car thinking of places to do. Then we then planed to eat ice cream so we when to fenton. We ate a lot of ice cream and it was hella sweet. After we finish we when to berkeley to visit nancy. My cousin didn't want to go ho,e yet so we stayed a bit longer but alan need to be home so we left around 12. By 1 I drop of everyone and made it back home. It was a long day and I was tired. I kept texting my cousin to check up on her finding out she started crying again when she got home. Tried to cheer her up the best I can...what a day.

~huh and what~

reminded of the bad moment and memories I can't or even see I can be the same anymore. I can't be friends the same way, because it just don't feel the same anymore. I want to talk and speak but everytime I attempt I feel like im not even present. I keep telling myself to not trip but how the hell can I not trip or be mad. Hanging out don't mean be there and stay silence while watch others talk and listen with out you talk. I try to join In the conversation but I don't know where to start and where to end. I always end up saying sumthing pointless and the conversation continue like I didn't say anything at all. What kind of bullshit is this. Is just don't feel the same anymore. Should I just forget it and seek a new rount of friendship and leave everything behind.

I probly don't know what I am talking about myself. Is not really me talk right now. The real me would not say anything that has to do with forgetting my friends and move on. But right now I feel like I need to. I feel much better not talking to them for a bit but when I don't talk to them I feel like I lost them. What kind of thoughts is this. I feel so selfish and greedy. Wanting both but don't want to lost at all. Right now I just feel hella mad at myself for getting mad at the smallest things. My anger had made me the person I hate most. I always ask myself am I like this. What happen to me, why have I change. Is it me that change or everyone else around me did. At home when im alone I want to scream out loud but my my parents are sleeping so I can't. I want to drive around to blow out the anger I have but low on gas. I want release stress but I am limited to what I can do. Even blogging I am force to use the sidekick cuz my computer is dead. Nothing goes right, really feeling like just taking something to forget all this right now. Is not fair...to me..

~Hot~

Is extremly hot today. Woke up and didn't have any plans to I stayed home and watch most of the dvd I didn't watch yet. Later on I had a big headach so I tried to take a nap. Staying home on a hot day is boring and painful. Why painful? Well on a hot day it gets so hot you sweat and if you don't drink enough water you can get a fat headach. And the heat can keep you up also when you want to sleep.

Well staying home is boring when your computer don't work. I walk around my house for a bit, looking for food and things to drink. What really brighten up my day was finding ice cream in the freezer. You can't go wrong eatting ice cream. But is do make me feel super lazy, eatting ice cream on the couch watching chinese drama movies and shows. Hey, what else is there to at home? I might be watching other movies on my computer if it do work. My friend was suppose to call me but he never did. Guess he had other plans, *sigh* another day wasted at home. Might be doing the same think tomorrow cuz I don't have plans either. Is this how im going 2 spent the rest of my summer on a free day? I hope not, is depressing...

~Too Hot To Think~

Woke up from the heat again today. what made is worst was going to sleep at 6 am. is so hot today i really dont want to go to work. is going to boring like always. Now I really Regret it for taking the shift. tried to work on my Finanail aid, not going smoothly like i wish it would. have to go to school again to change my class and my finanical problems. thinking about school really stress me out again. come to thing of it, there this book i still have to finish that one book. is a great book but never really had the time to finish reading it. (naww i just been lazy). I kinda forgot about it for a bit too. Hope i still remeber what i had read. well blog later

~Renewed~

I woke up today feeling different. Feels like all the stress and pain had left me and I feel refreshing. Kinda feel like a different person. I got up and looked at the mirror and just stare at my reflection but I don't see my old self. I see a different me. I don't know why I feel this way, maybe I had a dream that lifted all my bad memories away all at once and now I feel like I reborned. It sound stupid but to me it feels great. I no longer think about the past, just looking forward. I am planing to get to work by 12:45 so imma get up and eat. Kinda feel like talking to someone right now but there's no one here. I don't want to call any one either or text. I guess writting all this out helps. I can pretend I am talking to someone and spread my thoughts out. In the past I feel discourge, unwanted and left out. But the real thing is I brought it apon myself. It was my lack of judgement and my stupid senc of humor that turned on me. I didn't realize it until now. So from now on I am going to change. Im going to keep my thoughts to myself. My own opinion and my stupid humor to myself and myself only. All this had brought me nothing but trouble in the past month. So imma change. On the other hand I feel like im been too nice. I need to start to say no and reject. I can't really be a nice guy all the time. I need to thing for myself. Is not always selfish doing that. Maybe because I always feel bad, and it remain me of myself back then asking for others for help. Is true, what you done in the past made you who you are and I am the perfect example. I need to losses up and be that different person I really need to be.

~Another day, Another dollar~

Wow, working is boring, and it drains the energy out of you. I was suppose to hav friday of but my co worker ask me to cover her, like an idiot I said yes. I could have gotten a 5 day off but I had to say yes~.~ how retarded of me. But I guess is money. My manger made a joke about me. Called me a baller because I have two phone. My calling phone and my sidekick. He said I don't need this job im balling already. What can I say, fired me? Haha.

Well coming back from LA was a life drainer. I had to drive part of the way and make it back just in time for work. It was crazy to work after driving for 4 hours. I look dead at work.

Now come to think of it summer is coming to an end. Everyone starting college. Im still thinking if im goin 2 keep my job. Don't know if I can mange that. I do need spending money and stuff. Just don't want to be all stress out. O ya, while I was down at LA I bought this four leaf clover thing. Looks cool and when I was buying it my mom though I was gettin it for my girlfriend. It was funny because I don't have one. And later on the week my mom gave me advice haha. She said is ok to have closefriend relationship but not to get too deep. There are plenty of time in my life to find the perfect one. In my mind I was thinking in the wrong way, is she telling me is ok to be a playboy and flirt ans date hella girls and not get in a deep relationship? But I understand what she meant haha. But is funny hearing this form your own mother. I love her. ^^

~Going Down to SoCal~

Well I decided to go down to socal with my brother, mite as well cus I don't have anything to do here, is good to get away from it for a bit. But what is there to do at LA? I know it will be hot, but what is there to do. I might be sitting around or maybe help move or something. Come to thing of it is going to be boring. O well I can hang out with my mom for a bit havnt been with for for awhile. I also found out ill be driving to LA. Me drivng for 6 hours. Man I mite not last, and is at nite too, I should drink a lot of energy drinks.

But beside going to LA, I was thinking it a great time for my vacation. I didn't really go anywhere time summer so I guess is my vacation trip. Hope LA is not that hot so I can enjoy the place. Also I was thinking of buying stuff there but havnt decide on what yet. I guess is going to be window shopping then start buying lol.

I should finish the book I got, it been awhile since I read it.

~Laying Low~

Brah, been working lately, kinda keep me on the down low, keeps me from thinking a lot. But still I get bored at work. I really miss the good old days when I hang out with friends, but I feel like is coming to an end. Everyone is leaving and I feel like losing contact with most of them. I remeber the times when I got nothing to worry about cus I got great friends in my life but when the time comes, (college) it made me scared and worried. I don't know how to put it but is like losing not just your friends but family if they are very close. I feel so useless when im not with my friends. I kinda depen on them to keep me from stoppin along the way. Im alway scared to do things without my friends being there. It maybe sound fucking gay but I don't care~.~

So now what. I am a very independent person. From the family back ground I grow up from, others say I get soo much more freedom then them. But to be honest, I hate it. Having so much freedom is not that great when you can't share it with others. I am a person that don't like to me alone. I been alone almost my whole life until I met others. Others I can talk to and share with. Others I can open up to. At less they got a family that are there to care about them. I am always the only one out of others that don't get a phone call from their parents to check up on you. When I am out late with others they always complain *o man my parents are annoying* *o this o that*. But to tell you the turth, I get jealous. You don't see me picking up my phone from my parents. Is because there is no one there to care to even check up on me. So being independent or having soo much freedom really sucks when you are out and in your mind you know no one is there to care. I do get mad when im out when everyone need to be home, and im the only one out...feel like aloner....

Dats my life

~late night thought~

I realize no matter how hard I try it can't be change. I am what I am. I can never pretend how im not. Is 4:35 am and im still awake. Trying to sleep but I couldn't, so much on my mind that just keeping me up. Kinda feel like I need to really think about sommething, something personal I need to take care of, but hey, it don't seems like the other half of me wants to deal with it. I really think in a way no one really cares about how I feel, even though I want to let others know I just don't want to share it. Im just afraid to let others see me differently. The weak side of me. The side I been hiding from others, even myself in general. I never express how im feeling, when someone ask me how im feeling, I say find, but deep inside I want to scream I'm FUCKING DIEING INSIDE!!! But I never do it. Why? I really don't know myself.

I wish everything was like before, but how, I still question, how can one person chage everything. How is it possible. Others may know the answer but truly I don't really know.

Others say I give good advise but in ther other way around I don't apply to myself. Everything I say to others as advise could all be answer to my own problems but is funny that I can't listen to my own words. I get mad at myself for that. But ya...fuck it.

~Escape~

In a way I feel like running away from what I have to face right now. Everything seems to build up on me. There are times when I forget things and be happy about it while enjoying my day but in the end, something always comes up and ruins it. Im not complain, well maybe I am, I just hated when it all goes wrong, I get mad, sad, and depress all at once or a couple of emotion at a time. I start to remeber things I don't want to think about, that triggers everything in my mind and it all just pour out all at once. Right now I just want to sleep, that's where I can just relax, and not think about anything. I tend to take a lot of nap, it true that im wasting my day but at less I can stay away from thinking too much.
I really thing to much.

Well is sunday today, got work and then I don't know what. Sunday is the most boring-est day for me. Is the last day of the week and the day where everyone seems to be free but no plans. If I don't have to work I most likely stay home all day and not don anything. I think when I finish this ill take a nap and then head to work. Working do keep me occupied but is also suck the fun out of me. I can't do a lot of things because of work. What can I say, money is money.

Now that I have so much things to remeber to do I should write them down.

Sale me old car
Find a new car
Fix my computer or buy a new one
Look up classes to change
Finish my book
Save my money
Pay back my debt
Find that cd
Make a video
Get my camcorder back
Learn to fix computer
Learn to fix cars
Etc

There's more but can't remeber right now maybe it will come up later on.

I should be a happy person, but not right now....=[

~high blog~

So ok, my first blog while high. First of all iono why the person I end up talkin to is this person.I was like wth? Out of all the people....this person. I am really tripping, nothing the point. I don't feel like im talking to anyone when im gone. But I end up speakin to this person. Funny and ironic. Let see what will happen. The out come

~Feeling Awkward~

Nothing trying the hold on to the past but it keep coming back. I keep telling myself to stop thinking about it but over time it keep coming back. Even on a non related area like during jury duty, the name comes up and it triggers the thoughts. Why is this, what are all these signs?

Feels like it was not meant to forget till everything is solve. But what is there to solve? Isn't everything all solved? Or am I still missing something.

I see what is see trying not to feel that awkwardness flowing inside me. I already know and im seeing it. Im accepting it but why do I feel awkward? Am I still stuck in the past? Why can't I forget it and move on? I shouldn't even be talkin about this but I feel like I need to talk it out. But how can I speak up? What do I say? Really need help but hey who can I ask? Who?

I don't even know if everything will go smoothly like nothing happen, I may seem like I don't care but deep inside I feel like screeming out loud saying do you know how im feel? Why aren't you talking it out with me? We are friends aren't we? Are you really trying to preten im cool about it? At less tell me plc! Don't like me see and accept even though I am accepting it all.

~A world without care~

Ok, I don't like writing a lot but when it comes to writing out my feelings is endless. Always having doubt about myself, never care about myself but others. maybe is the way I am. blogging seem boring for me because I don't know what to read. I can jump from topic to topic. Anyway, lets start from the year 2oo8.

2oo8 should be my best year. Last year of school, prom, graduation, summer fun, college, and enjoying the Olympics etc. But if I really think about it, is the worst year so far in my life. Not really want to complain but hella shit happen and it just made it bad for me. i really don't want to get into detail because is going to be a long ass blog. but i will name some. First was my best friend. not going name any names. i knew this fool for over 10 years. there are times i be mad at him but i get over it cus we friends. but this year was really out of pocket. For the first time in my life i hated him. I really thought we were very close. but i guess it wasn't as close with his other friends. ever since he got a car, i kinda see him as a different person. feel like i cant talk to him the same. he would put others before me. there was a time where he would drive all the way to someone house then dropping me down somewhere nearby. might sound normal to others but if you were at the car you would know how i felt at the time. this start to build up between us. month later another thing happen. this to me hit me the hardest. to really describe how i feel was being stab and crash by your very own close friend. even though it was not his fault that his parent don't like me, but the way he said it to me was harsh and painful. the word that came out his mouth was like a bus running over me going 100mph. well not that extreme but you get the picture. the moment he said those words i was so angry and wanted to punch him. but i didn't. i walked away. what made me more mad was after he said what he said, he walk back to his friends like nothing happen. i was so mad i walk to my car. it might make me sound like a pussy but i don't care, i end up in my car, just sitting there thinking about what he said, i start to cry. it really hurt me inside. i don't know why i would cry about this bullshit but i did. crying other friendship...*sigh*

well now i got that out the way i can talk about other stupid random things.

who really read this anyway o.0

i'll write more later...ending right here for now hope some people don't read this stupid thing i wrote, is just a way to write out my thoughts and feelings. great bloging