~Going Down to SoCal~

Well I decided to go down to socal with my brother, mite as well cus I don't have anything to do here, is good to get away from it for a bit. But what is there to do at LA? I know it will be hot, but what is there to do. I might be sitting around or maybe help move or something. Come to thing of it is going to be boring. O well I can hang out with my mom for a bit havnt been with for for awhile. I also found out ill be driving to LA. Me drivng for 6 hours. Man I mite not last, and is at nite too, I should drink a lot of energy drinks.

But beside going to LA, I was thinking it a great time for my vacation. I didn't really go anywhere time summer so I guess is my vacation trip. Hope LA is not that hot so I can enjoy the place. Also I was thinking of buying stuff there but havnt decide on what yet. I guess is going to be window shopping then start buying lol.

I should finish the book I got, it been awhile since I read it.

~Laying Low~

Brah, been working lately, kinda keep me on the down low, keeps me from thinking a lot. But still I get bored at work. I really miss the good old days when I hang out with friends, but I feel like is coming to an end. Everyone is leaving and I feel like losing contact with most of them. I remeber the times when I got nothing to worry about cus I got great friends in my life but when the time comes, (college) it made me scared and worried. I don't know how to put it but is like losing not just your friends but family if they are very close. I feel so useless when im not with my friends. I kinda depen on them to keep me from stoppin along the way. Im alway scared to do things without my friends being there. It maybe sound fucking gay but I don't care~.~

So now what. I am a very independent person. From the family back ground I grow up from, others say I get soo much more freedom then them. But to be honest, I hate it. Having so much freedom is not that great when you can't share it with others. I am a person that don't like to me alone. I been alone almost my whole life until I met others. Others I can talk to and share with. Others I can open up to. At less they got a family that are there to care about them. I am always the only one out of others that don't get a phone call from their parents to check up on you. When I am out late with others they always complain *o man my parents are annoying* *o this o that*. But to tell you the turth, I get jealous. You don't see me picking up my phone from my parents. Is because there is no one there to care to even check up on me. So being independent or having soo much freedom really sucks when you are out and in your mind you know no one is there to care. I do get mad when im out when everyone need to be home, and im the only one out...feel like aloner....

Dats my life

~late night thought~

I realize no matter how hard I try it can't be change. I am what I am. I can never pretend how im not. Is 4:35 am and im still awake. Trying to sleep but I couldn't, so much on my mind that just keeping me up. Kinda feel like I need to really think about sommething, something personal I need to take care of, but hey, it don't seems like the other half of me wants to deal with it. I really think in a way no one really cares about how I feel, even though I want to let others know I just don't want to share it. Im just afraid to let others see me differently. The weak side of me. The side I been hiding from others, even myself in general. I never express how im feeling, when someone ask me how im feeling, I say find, but deep inside I want to scream I'm FUCKING DIEING INSIDE!!! But I never do it. Why? I really don't know myself.

I wish everything was like before, but how, I still question, how can one person chage everything. How is it possible. Others may know the answer but truly I don't really know.

Others say I give good advise but in ther other way around I don't apply to myself. Everything I say to others as advise could all be answer to my own problems but is funny that I can't listen to my own words. I get mad at myself for that. But ya...fuck it.

~Escape~

In a way I feel like running away from what I have to face right now. Everything seems to build up on me. There are times when I forget things and be happy about it while enjoying my day but in the end, something always comes up and ruins it. Im not complain, well maybe I am, I just hated when it all goes wrong, I get mad, sad, and depress all at once or a couple of emotion at a time. I start to remeber things I don't want to think about, that triggers everything in my mind and it all just pour out all at once. Right now I just want to sleep, that's where I can just relax, and not think about anything. I tend to take a lot of nap, it true that im wasting my day but at less I can stay away from thinking too much.
I really thing to much.

Well is sunday today, got work and then I don't know what. Sunday is the most boring-est day for me. Is the last day of the week and the day where everyone seems to be free but no plans. If I don't have to work I most likely stay home all day and not don anything. I think when I finish this ill take a nap and then head to work. Working do keep me occupied but is also suck the fun out of me. I can't do a lot of things because of work. What can I say, money is money.

Now that I have so much things to remeber to do I should write them down.

Sale me old car
Find a new car
Fix my computer or buy a new one
Look up classes to change
Finish my book
Save my money
Pay back my debt
Find that cd
Make a video
Get my camcorder back
Learn to fix computer
Learn to fix cars
Etc

There's more but can't remeber right now maybe it will come up later on.

I should be a happy person, but not right now....=[

~high blog~

So ok, my first blog while high. First of all iono why the person I end up talkin to is this person.I was like wth? Out of all the people....this person. I am really tripping, nothing the point. I don't feel like im talking to anyone when im gone. But I end up speakin to this person. Funny and ironic. Let see what will happen. The out come

~Feeling Awkward~

Nothing trying the hold on to the past but it keep coming back. I keep telling myself to stop thinking about it but over time it keep coming back. Even on a non related area like during jury duty, the name comes up and it triggers the thoughts. Why is this, what are all these signs?

Feels like it was not meant to forget till everything is solve. But what is there to solve? Isn't everything all solved? Or am I still missing something.

I see what is see trying not to feel that awkwardness flowing inside me. I already know and im seeing it. Im accepting it but why do I feel awkward? Am I still stuck in the past? Why can't I forget it and move on? I shouldn't even be talkin about this but I feel like I need to talk it out. But how can I speak up? What do I say? Really need help but hey who can I ask? Who?

I don't even know if everything will go smoothly like nothing happen, I may seem like I don't care but deep inside I feel like screeming out loud saying do you know how im feel? Why aren't you talking it out with me? We are friends aren't we? Are you really trying to preten im cool about it? At less tell me plc! Don't like me see and accept even though I am accepting it all.

~A world without care~

Ok, I don't like writing a lot but when it comes to writing out my feelings is endless. Always having doubt about myself, never care about myself but others. maybe is the way I am. blogging seem boring for me because I don't know what to read. I can jump from topic to topic. Anyway, lets start from the year 2oo8.

2oo8 should be my best year. Last year of school, prom, graduation, summer fun, college, and enjoying the Olympics etc. But if I really think about it, is the worst year so far in my life. Not really want to complain but hella shit happen and it just made it bad for me. i really don't want to get into detail because is going to be a long ass blog. but i will name some. First was my best friend. not going name any names. i knew this fool for over 10 years. there are times i be mad at him but i get over it cus we friends. but this year was really out of pocket. For the first time in my life i hated him. I really thought we were very close. but i guess it wasn't as close with his other friends. ever since he got a car, i kinda see him as a different person. feel like i cant talk to him the same. he would put others before me. there was a time where he would drive all the way to someone house then dropping me down somewhere nearby. might sound normal to others but if you were at the car you would know how i felt at the time. this start to build up between us. month later another thing happen. this to me hit me the hardest. to really describe how i feel was being stab and crash by your very own close friend. even though it was not his fault that his parent don't like me, but the way he said it to me was harsh and painful. the word that came out his mouth was like a bus running over me going 100mph. well not that extreme but you get the picture. the moment he said those words i was so angry and wanted to punch him. but i didn't. i walked away. what made me more mad was after he said what he said, he walk back to his friends like nothing happen. i was so mad i walk to my car. it might make me sound like a pussy but i don't care, i end up in my car, just sitting there thinking about what he said, i start to cry. it really hurt me inside. i don't know why i would cry about this bullshit but i did. crying other friendship...*sigh*

well now i got that out the way i can talk about other stupid random things.

who really read this anyway o.0

i'll write more later...ending right here for now hope some people don't read this stupid thing i wrote, is just a way to write out my thoughts and feelings. great bloging